call centers.

wala lang. pumasok lang sa utak ko ang mga call center.

anyway, i wanna puke. i want to throw up. kanina pa ko nasusuka. pero i hate throwing up.. and i guess i'm not gonna throw up.

ahhh. i'm getting spoiled and rotten in here. ANG BORING. SOBRA.

right now, i'm not missing anyone. i mean. no one's on my mind. that's new.

actually, there's NOTHING on my mind because there's nothing and no one to think of. and if ever i'll be thinking of something at this very moment, ice cream will be on the top of my list. i wish i have a can of ice cream i can savor.

not feeling really well. tummy turning upside down.

updated my xanga. ahaha. it's been a loooongg while since i've last written an entry in that blog. funny really, that i've been one of those many people who signs up in almost all promotions in the internet -- friendster, multiply, livejournal, xanga and gmail. but i've never had a myspace account and the ringo.. and some other unnecessary stuffs.

before i forget...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KUYA I

anyway, back to what's on my mind. can't believe i'm growing. that kind of freaks me out. i mean... i was just a kid back then; playing barbie dolls, making the piano my house and some other fun stuffs. can't believe i'm not anymore the kid who used to cook rice in a clay pot instead, i've become one of those million people in front of the computer searching the net. sooo much have changed. i mean... out of a million kids there may not even be 1 one of them who'll be cooking in a clay pot. no more disney classics. if not 3D cartoons, there's the anime. every girl kid seems to have been hooked up to cartoons that are completely not girly. anyway, like we all care?

aheheh. naisip ko lang bigla.

still deciding. UP or ATENEO. my dad and i had an argument yesterday, and i'm still not talking to him up to this moment but i slept beside him yesternight since my younger sister is not around. i envy her, actually. she gets to stay in the province for a long time without my dad giving a damn unto her. what i meant was.. i don't think he cares at all. that was MY opinion,okay? make your own if you like. by the way, the opinion is not based on how i'm angry with him today. not really based on that.

wonder what it feels like being in the province. siguro ngayon, kinukulit ko si ate tilay.. or we're already eating lunch. arrgh. i want to write something but i just can't. ahehe. ala lang.. nothing related to anything written in here. someone just pisses me off. oh well, i don't want to waste my time on her.

awww. you know what, may (sister) was uhmmm...consoling me yesterday while i was crying. how sweet, right? ahah. i hate her still. (OKAY, that was supposed to mean the opposite of hate)

there are just some words that i can't really say. like... definitions of some things and some words and phrases that are not often said like... okay i can't type them. but just so you know, when i say i missed you.. i really do. that came out from the heart (ahaha). that's the only phrase i can speak out.

speaking of mushy words and phrases... ahaha. let's shift it to people. oh yeah.. meron lang talagang mga tao na kahit anong sabi or change of tone, intonation and stuffs... hindi sila kapani-paniwala. ahah. totoo. i don't feel what they've been trying to say. like... ahaha. anyway. at meron naman na kahit gano kasweet yung sinasabi nila,.. nakakahurt..

is it really them? is it just me that there's something wrong with? teehee. baka nga weird lang talaga ako.

teehee. being weird is fun. hindi ko alam kung bakit may mga na-ooffend na mga tao pag sinasabihan ko ng weird... i tell you,, it meant positively.. i LOVE weird people. they're lovable and worth loving.

ahaha. shiznit.

kung anu-ano na mga sinabi ko.

MAEL, i miss you na.

bad decision. very bad decision.

a while ago, i was being SO proud of myself because, for the very first time, i've made a decision on my own. i mean, i decided to just go back to manila and train for the "supposed to be" competition on the first day of april, but... apparently, it was postponed.

oh god. i should have listened to my titos and titas. now, i'm REGRETTING for coming back here in manila. aside from experiencing how humid it is in here, sooo humid that the electric fan doesn't work anymore.. i'm still perspiring. so now, i've missed how fun it is to be in a "perya" with all those different (kurimaw, jologs, malandi, full of make-up) but happy faces. i've missed all the bargains that i can make in those sideras. arrrgh. and i missed the fiesta, the birthdays about to come. that sucks. missing so many things SUCKS.

got my card... 4 subjects that is in the line of 8. math grade went down (what is wrong with me). accidentally inserted my finger in the electric fan. finger bleeding. wound again. i guess this year is the year of the wounds for me. not bruises. wounds.

ive already decided where to go. admu - my choice.. i'm still making my dad agree to support me. aaarrgggh crap. hope this isn't a bad decision.

failed to visit my mom while in the province. argggh.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

arggh. i need a thing to make me forget all the bad things that had happened. shopping and some ice cream, perhaps?

ahhh.

eating halo-halo.

god. it's really humid in here. inside our house. it's not yet the mid of summer, but it's getting really really really humid and exhausting. worse, i've been stuck in this house since the last day of classes (march 22). so... what is left for me to do is choose between three kind of interesting things to do. a) solve sudoku puzzles all day b) dvd marathon c) surf the net. obviously, i've chosen the third one... but i'll start the dvd marathon after i post this...then the a, i'm already tired of solving sudoku puzzles since i do it every night before i sleep and every day after eating breakfast.

kind of boring, right? oops... correction.. it's REALLY boring.

can't wait to go to the province. arrgh. i'm supposed to go there today, but unfortunately, my dad left me. can't believe him.

i don't know why i love being there... actually, i've been doing the same stuffs whenever i'm in there. hangout with my cousins. watch them play basketball. watch the tv. play gameboy. watch them play ps2. play cards. sleepovers. looong sleep. same stuffs. and, it's quite boring at times... it's just that the atmosphere in there is way better than in here. and in there, i don't get to spend lots of money to have fun. actually, i just waste my money to buy prepaid cards... since i still communicate with the people here in manila...

anyway, what's the point of ordering halo-halo... when i only like the milk, sugar, yam, and the banana. just wasting my money.. and some unwanted ingredients. i should have ordered mais con yelo

oh god.. i really can't wait to go to the province. fiesta's about to come. this friday, i think. arrrghh. unfortunately, i can't go there on the feastday itself. if not today or tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, i can only go there after april 1 because of the football competition the team will be joining.

kinda sucks.

arrgh. just like ella, i miss home, too.

E7ITE.

fresh from graduation.

finally! i've graduated already. can't help but weep. although i'm kind of sick with my school, i'm sure that i'll be missing it. i mean, i'll miss the people i've met in there. true. no more class reminders. no more breaks with the long table. no more "tulugan sa sahig". no more laugh trips with mael. no more kar as a president. no more pananagutan classroom. no more everything. senior year and all the years i have been in SHS-QC will only be memories from this day on.

god. i wept when kim g. said in her speech how the first day of classes as a prep student was. i clung to my mom for two months... and now, i have clung to just memories for three years. i miss my mom. i know she IS proud of me even though i failed her expectation of me (to graduate with a merit award). there's a reason for it.. but anyway, at least i've graduated, and i have been the vice president of our class.

teehee. pampaboost.

god. i'll miss my batchmates. i'll miss my friends. i'll miss every single moment i had with my batchmates -- the E7ITE.

college, here i come. shox! i think i really have to choose up over ateneo even if I DON'T LIKE it. i mean. fine. arrrgghhh. i'll make a decision tomorrow.

i can't believe my dad. i can't believe my dad. i SO can't believe him. he offered a very bad deal. VERY BAD deal. i mean... he told me that i won't be having a graduation gift if i go and choose ateneo over up. WHAT is wrong with him?

and now, i'm thinking. if i choose admu. celynn won't get a gift, too. isn't that UNFAIR?

arggh.. and now, im talking to some of my sensible friends. both happens to be going to a school they don't want to go to. okay. i know that if i choose admu.. i'm the selfish one... but if i choose up... isn't my dad the selfish one?

what is wrong with people? i mean. i get so many options, and when i pick one... i won't be able to get it.. instead pick another one, then i still don't get it.. then a point will come that what is left is the one they want me to pick. bakit pa nagkaroon ng options.

at this moment, i'm kind of wishing na sana yung rules na lang dati yung mga i-implement ngayon, where ladies aren't allowed to think for themselves. i mean.. freedom is not really freedom because when you choose, there is always this second thought and you're going to be stuck there and think and think and think... and it will envelop you. and arrrgh.

true.

anne: THE PROBLEM IS.. YOU ARE LIKE YOUR DAD.

pero... in some ways lang, okay? not the whole of my personality.. because i believe i get most of my attributes physical, emotional, spiritual, social and psychological from my mom.. and the whole of my intellectual from her also..

i just got some things from my dad.. and now,,, we're clashing.. because we think the same on the very different wants we have.

can't believe i just finished reading a book. teehee. unexpectedly, my last day as a senior was a while ago. that would be my last time to be with the pananagutan as a whole. with the long table (although, trixie wasn't there) and with the entire school. god... having spent my 12 years in there was simply unforgettable. today, i have worn for the last time my school uniform (brown one). and right now... i'm wearing my PE shirt. (ahehe.pambahay agad)

hmmmm. can't believe i'm graduating 40 hours from now. (currently 00:00 - march 23). although i've been eager for that day (march 24), i can't help but wish to stop the time.

awwww. i hugged my most loved teachers (just missed some of them who weren't in the faculty room).

i wish all my titas and titos would be in my graduation. I WISH MY MOM WILL BE THERE, too. i remember anne asking me who will be coming in my graduation..and i said.. well, i wish no one would come... but at this moment, i just wish everyone can come to see me march on that stage for the last time and get my diploma.

awww. SHS would certainly be missed by not just me.. but by the .. good or bad... judged or stereotyped... loved or hated... cheaters or honest... noisy or silent... bossy or being bullied... aggressive or patient... 187 graduating students of batch 2006-2007.

ELITE

can't sleep. that wasn't new. i'm unnoticingly becoming an insomniac.. or shall i say, one of the people who lives at night. ahaha. owl? LOL. "people" nga e. for more than a month or two, i only sleep for more or less 3 hours a day. lucky if i get more than 3 hours.

anyway, why am i whinning over my lack of sleep? good thing meron akong unfinished book. ahaha. pampalipas oras... para antukin... plus i borrowed another book from my classmate..

kailan kaya ako uuwi ng probinsya? although i want a really different vacation.. gusto ko pa rin umuwi dun. may tao or wala. awww. wala na. we're all growing up, and getting busy with our lives. no time for leisure and fun. ahaha. basta ako.. all time intended for fun... ahaha. masabi ko pa kaya to sa college?

god. what a tragic story. celynn and i had a movie marathon. we watched poseidon, then the day after tomorrow, and lastly, the titanic. god! i have watched titanic for uhmmm 5? 6? 7? times,but up to now i still cry with a heavy heart after finishing the very long story.

jack dawson. leo's really really hot. too bad he's not straight. hmmm. i wish i had that diamond necklace and... jack, of course. after the whole ship sinking stories... i think i won't be able to ride a ship, anymore. i swear... it's traumatic. i think i'll have a greater fear riding ships or cruises or boats that travel for days than riding a motorcycle that gave a scar on my leg. ooh... crap! i don't want to die drowning in the ocean because the ship i was on sank.

teehee.. jack and rose...

if you jump, i jump, right?

SWEET.

exactly 1008 days after the tragic start of my agony. but for now... give me a break. i don't want to whine over some selfish people. whew. i've let all the bad feelings, spirits, aura out of me yesternight... and i want it completely out of my system, although it's quite impossible to just let go of them that easy. breathe in. breathe out. breath in for luck. hands down. ahaha.

so i went back to school this morning. god. i walk completely like a penguin because of the sprained ankle. plus i sing so not in the proper tune. for short... kulang na lang.. people will call me mimble happyfeet. ahahah. oh crap. i want to have a baby mimble stuffed toy. cutie! sana my wounds won't leave scars, and my feet goes back to its normal size before march 19.

oh right. before i forget

Happy Birthday Kar!

Happy Birthday Mags!

greetings to both my friends whom i find very true to me. friends who i know i can really run to when i need people who will just ride with what i say (eg. "peste ayoko talga si ***.." "ako rin..." and the conversation continues) ahaha. love you guys.. thanks for patiently waiting for me while i walk up the stairs. yeahboi!

seriously, i just don't want anyone to ruin my day, my moment, my life.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh! can't i just end it. i'm losing all my strength.

irritated. i'm pissed with everyone in this place people call house. honestly, people in here are irritating and selfish, and it has reached the end of my patience. i was reflecting a while ago if the wrong is in me. but i don't think it's my fault. im pissed. totally irritated and pissed. arrggggh... and you know what's worse? there's just no one to talk to, and it's really sad. it's really really sad. i'm left here teary-eyed, controlling emotions, pretending to be strong. i want to burst out my feelings, but to whom? i wanted to call someone.. but i don't even know who's that someone. mouth shut. eyes just staring. mouth wanting to shout all kinds of vulgar and profanity. but im left here... still pretending that i'm okay. my tita's house is just next door, but i don't want to talk to anyone. i don't want to speak out everything inside me fearing that people will just pity me and talk about me behind my back. i hate sympathy.

honestly, i want to cut my wrist, but i am afraid that i'd be living in a more miserable life. i hate solitude, but i don't think i'd be loving to have all the attention on me. i hate too much attention. i hate misery. i hate. i just hate my current state.

anger. i know i've said too much because of anger, but realizing it won't make me take the words i've spoken.. i'm stuck in here, in this place i call house, with knees scraped, an ankle still swollen, face bruised. i looked like as if i was battered by a drunkard, but i wasn't. i got these bruises i have in my face just this morning when i fainted. i remember myself walking towards the restroom to bathe myself and prepare for school, but when i finally got there, everything around me just went black... then there was a bang,and i just found myself lying on the floor in my sister's bedroom, celynn trying to pick me up. from there, i just realized i fainted. i didn't even recall myself walking out of the restroom... good thing my sister was in the room.. though got really shocked with my sudden collapse. i was there lying just wrapped in a towel and asking for one thing -- water. just a glass of water.

i remember how i cried yesterday.. i remembered how i made my coaches confused because i can't describe what i was really feeling. pain in both my legs. and then crying for my mother. yes, i surprisingly found myself shouting and calling for my mom. then just before the clock struck twelve, i tried to call my mom's cell no. as expected, it didn't ring. so i texted my cousin.

wow! it's been a long while since i last heard something about him. he seemed so preoccupied with his work, and i was surprised when he replied to my message. well, congrats he got promoted! but that wasn't the only thing that made me somehow smile. he replied. it was so unexpected, then again i just realized i still have him to share all my stories and craps in life. but yesterday, i hesitated to share my reason for texting him.

just last month, i remember myself very ecstatic and completely contented, but now... i'm in the state of damnation... with nothing and no one to console me. just last month, i kept on thanking god for everything, but yesterday, i started to ask him the same questions again. the question that seemed to have no answer.

everything in mind is currently not in its proper organization. loneliness drives me mad. manic. i am depressed and manic.

on the brighter side, i have a gallon (is this a gallon?) of ice cream to erase all the bad feelings i have inside. ice cream!!! munch munch. it IS the only thing that makes me happy when sad.

injured. so what? what is wrong with people? 1. everyone was literally staring at me when i was walking with all those bandages i have around my leg and ankle. 2. people just leave you. 3. people scold you for having swollen ankle and scratches. 4. you're seen injured but they don't help you at all (talking to people inside the house) bwiset. pero injuries.... aren't they part of life? aren't they part of training?

on the brighter side... haaay thank god, those fx drivers know me... and hmmm. they love me. ahaha. kidding. they showed concern. at literally.. tinanong nila ako kung okay lang ba ako.. at kung kaya ko pa umuwi. all hail fx drivers! though they're the last people whom i expect to show concern to me.

people vanish.... and so i can vanish too. bwiset... biglaan akong mawawala.. and everything will never be the same again. oh funny. i've got loads of photos and videos crying and smiling with tears in my eyes. shiznit. teenage crybaby ... i can't help it... it was painful.. or shall i say.. they were painful.. kneescrapes and sprain

ay naiirita talaga ako. disappointed. angry. and.. in total pain. shiznit.. masakit paa ko.. pero i have to pretend that im okay.. coz if i won't do that.. i will certainly be not just forced but will certainly be prohibited to play football. what is wrong with people? dyan ko nalalabas lahat ng galit ko sa buhay.. bakit ba may mga shiznit lang talaga?

naiirita talaga ako.. in times of trouble... puta.. i was left alone.. paninindigan ko na... i'll live life all by myself. at naiirita ako na injured na nga ako.. ayaw pa ko ipag-init ng tubig.. ay peste. self service talaga... pag nawala ako.. tingnan natin kung hindi nila ako hanapin.. pag nawala talaga ako.. i'll see to it that no one finds where im going to hide.

ahh... peste...

temper temper..

self service talaga.. ako na taga boil ng water.
ako pa taga kuha ng ice.

so i weep. i weep for i didn't get what i want, and call me any names you would like to call me... but i feel so sad that i'm going to study in up. and to whomever this entry is addressed.. i hope she reads this. i really hope she does.

now that im going to some place that i didn't wish to go to, i want everything to be fair enough. i get what i don't like. i'll let you get what you don't like. as long as im alive, no ceremony is going to happen. nothing is going to happen. fair enough? yah. i think it is. and since i get what i don't deserve to get,, i will certainly demand for more. and to whomever this entry is addressed, don't dare show you're fugly face to me. coz i swear, once i see that, you'd be going home fuglier that what you look like right now. i hate it that you're still existing. god knows that i'm just making my patience go longer. but since you've reached the end of my patience, i swear that one of us will live in hell... and i swear to every person i love, that it's not going to be me and i will make sure that it would be you. i hate it that you have this unbelieveable guts to show your face to my relatives... if only you knew how they curse you at your back.. aha! well, i think i do things better than them. i make sure what i say reaches your ears. im going to let everyone know what your agenda really is. and if you think that you're more powerful than me.. think again. you may have all relatives at your side plus one of mine.. but i have every single souls in heaven with me and all the one existing on earth at my side.

take this from me. now that i don't get what i want, i will make sure that you feel how is it like living in hell.. living in a place you've never wanted to be in. we can never be put together. i'll always have a knife with me,in the form of everything that comes out of my mouth, to stab you especially when im in the mood to do such thing. i haven't met you personally, but i don't think i have to. facts are proofs that you're someone i should hate even without the actual meeting with you. just the sound of your name irritates everything inside me.

i am not mad. I AM ANGRY. angry because.... you came in a manner no one decent will ever dare to do.

let me not to the marriage of true minds admit impediments. love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. who doesn't know these shakespearean lines? every SHS senior knows that by heart.

broken hearts. lately, hearts have been broken by friends, girl friends, boy friends and lesbian friends. truly, no one seems to be there for you forever. who says you would actually end up together? whooo.

it's been a two months. god knows how i've been struggling with the bad. oh yeah. heart is broken but not because of some sickly boyfriends. god! why do people think their going to end up together someday, when the fact is they've just started knowing each other. that makes me sick.

currently1:14. why am i blogging, anyway? ahaha. waiting for mael, who might already be sleeping. akala ko ba walang tulugan? hmmp.

so what do i talk about now,?

ooh. let me talk about my friends. oh yeah. i love them. 12 days from now, and we'll all be off for new lives and new worlds. naaay! whom will i run to when that day comes that i'd be needing true friends agaiN? anne? mags? aura? ella? patb? rhoda? hope they will all be available. college. i don't still have a sure university. i mean.. hmm. i passed in all but my dad and i are still arguing where i should be going. Admu or Up? if i go to admu.. hooray! if i go to up.. not bad, but god.. i don't wanna be there. not because i'm not used to radical people.. it's just that.. i think i'll be feeling safer when i am in a smaller community.

vacation.. oh yeah. 13 days to go.. vacation na. no plans yet.. except for ..hmmm. plans made because of boredom in school. plans with mael and aura. plans with anne and kae. there are so much to process this summer. a driver's license, a passport, confirmation of entrance in college, and a lot more. teehee.. hindi ba pwedeng parents na lang magprocess nun.. why do college teens do the processing all by themselves? what if we are not used to it.? what if i'm not used to lining up in the counter and waiting for my turn to have my tuition paid and have my schedule for the whole semester. ooh.. not exciting,, but i think, i'll get used to it sooner or later.

creepy!

hmm. so .. one more requirement, then i'm cleared. aaah. computer project na lang. and we are still on the process of making it beautiful. aaah. i was never fond of making webpage designs.. i don't think i'll be using it in college or in the near future. seriously, i don't think i'll need all those html tags and codes. masyadong marami.

so mael's not coming back. aaah. wala palang tulugan ah.. loko loko talaga yun. i hope she reads this.. MAEL!!!! sabi mo you're just going to take a shower.. 5 hours na. don't tell me hindi ka pa rin tapos.. or let me guess, you're already sleeping. hmm. fine..

ohh well, that's it for now. i can hear papa getting up from bed.. oowweeeh... lagot na ko!

the finals have started.

a while ago, we've finished the physics exams.. 4 more days to go then graduation here i come. can't wait. i'm done with majority of the projects. 2 more projects then i'm done with my clearance.

i received a note stating how i've done so bad with my accounting classes. i didn't feel bad. i just don't know how will i let my dad sign that slip.. so there, im thinking of a way on how i'll let my dad sign it without hearing all the things he has to say.

the first time i failed an exam,, i was crying to my mom, and she was like... "that's just an exam... numbers that can affect the numbers in your card". but she's the opposite of my dad so i guess, i'm not going to hear those words from my dad.

oh well. I WANT TO GO TO BAGIUO on march 9. right after the test.. so that i can shout out loud in a high place that finally, i'm done with my high school years.

anne juco was asking a while ago.. "hindi ba talaga natin kaya or masyadong marami lang talaga?"
and everyone was like.. "marami lang talaga..."

if only teachers knew how many people sleep just an hour before they have to wake up for the "supposed to be" next day... if only they knew why everyone looks sleepy in their classes.. if only they knew that it was never good to put together the deadlines of different projects in just one week.. probably, im not coughing right now. or not having this clogged nose..

my biological clock has already been destroyed.

oh well, that's why i wanted to shout in bagiuo. i'll scream on top of my lungs and pour out everything inside me and how im feeling on that day that i've finally finished all the job to be done.

surveys from the school are coming out, asking if we or the parents want to have the school changed to a co-ed one. huge NO WAY! if that happens, shs will become a public school invaded by rude people.. if teachers are already complaining about how we behaved this school year.. what more when the time comes that boys will be part of that conservative school that has been my somewhat home for 12 years?

i certainly don't have anything against coed schools.. i just don't like having the school changed to something like that.