18 People To Thank For This 2018

It's almost 2019, and as a yearly tradition, I will be thanking the 18 people who have made me smile this 2018. (I wasn't able to do this for last year, but I know I wrote it in one of my journals). First, let me tell you about how awesome this year has been for me.
I started this year reading a feng shui "prediction" (horoscope? - I don't know how it's called) of how my 2018 will turn out well. As we all 2018 is the year of the dog, and I was born on the year of the horse. I only looked at one site that seemed legit, and, if I remember it right, it said that I have to plant my seeds during the first semester of 2018 so that I can harvest its fruits on the second semester. I had it in my mind the whole time so I "planted my seeds"  on the first half (I applied for the 45th Ship for Southeast Asian and Japanese Youth Program (SSEAYP), I also applied for Masters in Urban and Regional Planning, and I declined a trip to Papua New Guinea in hopes that I'll be sent to a better country). The second semester arrived and I discovered I passed the entrance examinations for the Masters degree I applied for, then I was sent to LA for work, and then the most awesome thing happened. While I was in the Hollywood Walk of Fame, I got a message from my co-worker that the National Youth Commission is trying to contact me. [Brief Background: When I had my exam and my interview for SSEAYP, I was informed that the pre-departure training will be from June 25 - July 3. My US trip was from June 23 to July 6]. So I told my co-worker that maybe they will just inform me that my application was rejected, but my co-worker told me that I should contact them so I did. And yeah, while I was walking in the Hollywood Walk of Fame, I found out that I got accepted. [FYI: I honestly do not know anything about SSEAYP until I experienced it last October. I had no fucking clue]. So yes, after my US trip, I went straight to the pre-departure training which lasted for 10 days, went back to work, then from September 22 - October 23, I was with the Philippine Participating Youth (PPYs) or the Philippine Contingent for the pre-departure activities. Then from October 23 - December 15, I was experiencing SSEAYP and was learning what it really is.
2018 WAS AWESOME. No doubt about that! Possibly the best year of my 28 years on Earth. But then, while there are good news, there was also one bad one.
On 29 August 2018, after almost 10 years of being in a relationship, I told Kliff that I am breaking up with him. It was a tough situation, and trust me, maybe, at that time I didn't know what I was saying. But to be honest, I have been very emotional in the months before August. I have been depressed since I finished the Bar exams. I have been ridiculously not happy. And I felt that Kliff and I have to call it quits because we're not (or at least, I am not) anymore growing as a person. I was in stationary mode and  I had to get away from everyone because I feel that my negativity will just affect everyone, and going on a cruise ship was the best time for me to let go. After all, no one can contact me while I am on the ship (or so I thought). I was not heartbroken at that time. I was busy during the pre-departure activities. I was also busy during the SSEAYP proper so the sadness hasn't really sunk in. It only did when, I tried calling Kliff and every time I do, I felt like he did not want to talk to me. It only hit me when during the Philippine port of call, he asked if we don't communicate. I got hurt when I heard he was dating someone already. It was really sad. But yeah, I asked for this right? You can say that, but then again, do I not have the right to feel bad about it? That was the only time it hit me. I cried the whole time and for some time, while on board the ship, every time I have a free time, I drink to drown my sorrow. I just felt so bad breaking up with him. (Please when you read this, take note that these are my feelings, and I have not accounted for Kliff's). I wasn't suicidal, for sure, but I knew that there's no point coming back to the Philippines. My purpose in coming back is just to finish my bond. While all these are happening, that's when I got close to Oliver.
He's an Australian/Polish guy I met on Tinder. [Brief Background: Kliff and I allowed each other to go on Tinder, NOT to date nor to meet any people (except for that one time I was in LA, and I met up with someone with Kliff's permission to do something I really wanna do there), but to have someone else-- a stranger, perhaps--to talk to and to listen to us. We trusted each other so much, we don't really mind one another talking to someone else.] We have been chatting since May, if I'm not mistaken. The communication was on and off. We didn't really care about each other although he had said he likes me and we had a deal to only talk when either one of us or both are not sober. He knew I was in a relationship, and he respected it. Not once did he encourage me to break up with Kliff. We really just talked as friends.
Fast forward to today, Kliff told me he's happy now (I hope he really is). I am happy now as well. If you ask me if I regret breaking up with Kliff, I would say I do miss him, but I do not regret it. I feel that we need this for our own happiness, for our personal growth, for our search for our individuality.

So here are the 18 people I want to thank for this 2018:
1. Dwayne - amazing friend! Not once did he give up on me.
2. Cush
3. Benedict
4. Germain - my cousin
5. Neil
6. Those who helped Kliff in his campaign for lord chancellor (I am truly grateful)
7. Aunty - Kliff's mom
8. Nick - my date in California (coz he gave me good chips)
9. Ethan - my SSEAYP bestfriend
10. Butt - my buddy
11. May - my cabinmate
12. Most (not all) PPYs
13. NYC
14. MAO (especially my boss and my core group, they know who they are)
15. Ate Ley - another cousin
16. SSEAYP Admin
17. Oliver - I am excited to know what's in store for us.
and
18. Kliff - I am not who I am today if it weren't for you. You will always have a special place in my heart no matter what happens. The past 10 years of my life is comprised mostly of good times because you were an amazing boyfriend. You were very understanding.  You were very patient. And I'm sorry if I broke your heart. I am sorry if I was the first one to let go (you and I know it was gonna be me). But really thank you. I hope you find your perfect match. If your perfect match would be me, then I'll gladly say yes again to you. But for now, I hope we both find who we really are and who will comprise our happiness. I loved you with all my heart. And as promised, I will love you always and forever (maybe not as a partner, but as a friend).

Bittersweet

2017 hasn't ended but 8 months have already passed, and maybe it's safe to conclude that this year is a bittersweet period of my life while--as I've (I think) expressed before--2016 was just depressing. But these past months (and maybe a year) have made me introspective.

First, the title. While I will always be grateful for passing the bar exam, it has been very hard for me to pursue this career. "What now?" was the first question I asked myself a day after the results came out, then I had to apply to "where?". "Do I pursue a career in law firms? In the government? Or pursue something else?" But then again, I found out that it never really was my choice. I've been applying in different firms/companies/institutions and for some reason they made me doubt myself even more coz 3 months have passed and I'm still jobless. And when someone whom you depend on to comfort you say "maybe you have a problem", that's when you just start saying "fuck my life."

Second, friendship. I can't help but think I'm alone. I am forever grateful for the people who are interested to hear what comes out of my mouth and for those who chose to stay to hear the end of the story, but then there isn't really a lot of people to thank for. I'm thankful for a cousin whom I hated before but surprisingly is a good adviser. I'm thankful for a cousin who never judges. I'm thankful for a fairly new friend who is much younger than me but he listens and he tries to make me feel there's something good about myself. And I'm thankful for Kliff because he's a combination of the three people previously mentioned. But aside from them, no one really asks how I am doing. Yes, people have their own lives and their own shit, but it would be nice to have someone whom I can talk to about ANYTHING and not be awkward about it or be ashamed of it or be cautious that I'm becoming an irritating storyteller because I try my best to be always available to everyone but, most of the times, taken advantage of. Not by the abovementioned people, of course. This period of my life made crave for a best friend aside from my boyfriend because you know, I can't rant to my boyfriend about my problems with him. I used to have a best friend, but she just vanished from my life. She appears when she wants to and because of that, it just became awkward with her.

Last, my family. It sucks to not have my mom. Life has been shitty without her. My sisters seem to always ask for help from me but never really offered to help. I feel that no one really cares how I am doing and they just assume that I'm always doing well. I don't really get support from any of my immediate family, but they always ask help from me. It's exhausting, really. My relatives give me advice but then I can only tell them my problems selectively.

With all these, I can't help but doubt myself. What am I doing wrong? Why do I feel so used? And why do I feel so alone?

Bum Life

I've been a bum since November 28, 2016. My dad literally cut off financial support right after I took my last bar examination, and it has been a struggle trying to get by each day. But surprisingly, I got by and I've been getting by since that day.

The bar exams took a toll on me. I got super depressed right after, and I'm still trying to figure out what's causing this depression. Well, to be honest, I have an idea on what's behind all these but I am not one to express it online. At least, I'm mature enough now not to let the world know what's been pissing me off (they're all now in my diary).

I've had too many realizations recently and I wonder if those are going to be helpful in the future. But to anyone reading this,  I hope the following will be helpful:

1. You are going to be judged by the people who don't know you coz those who know you will never do that. So when this happens, try not to mind them. (I know it's hard, but they're not the ones who will be there for you at your worst so they're clearly unimportant and so are their opinions)

2. Remember the one who stayed with you when no one else did. Friendship is magical and that friend is clearly hard to find so appreciate them and let them know in small ways how grateful you are.

3. When you have a partner who always encourages you no matter how ridiculous your dreams are, do not let go of him. (Doing that is just plain stupid!)

There are more realizations when I return. But for now, as stated in Trainspotting: Choose Life!

Item 66: Saying No To A Proposal

Today, I got a proposal from Kliff. Funny coz I was surprised he would even do that, and I told him before that he better do a proposal really well because I’ll be expecting every day. Anyway, what really happened is that, today at around 10 am, Kliff and I had breakfast together which was supposed to be on an earlier time since he didn’t stay over last night at my place which he promised to do because it’s a long weekend. But since he came in late, and his fraternity brothers (brods, for short) were just waiting for us to finish our food, Kliff told me “Pagnatapos mo yan sa isang bite, papakasalan kita ngayon na”. 

Just a little background, I always leave a small piece of my food which can be finished by guys in one bite, but it’s equivalent to 3 bites for me. And for some reason, it takes me more than 15 minutes (at the very least) to finish that small piece. 

So yeah, Kliff’s proposal was more of a challenge. But hey, I got surprised! (Again, I’m expecting every day). So how did our breakfast end?

I told him, “For you, I’ll finish this in two bites”. I know that he isn’t serious (or maybe, he is). But hey, that's a proposal right? I got to say no to a proposal! And I think I did it gracefully. One item from a bucket list done!

                 66. Say no to a marriage proposal.

But then again, what if I finished it in one bite? Haha. Nah! I wouldn’t be proud to tell that story to my children. And I deserve a better one. So the long wait continues...

PS. I think my brain refused to mature hence, same tone as before.

Post Graduation from Graduate School

Last publish was 2014. Hi guys, I've graduated already from school and got my JD and MBA degrees. It's nice to be free from school but, to be honest, I kind of miss it. Right now, I am forcing myself to keep on studying for the bar exams. I tell you, I am scared to death and it is soooo not fun to force myself to study everyday.

My cousin reminded me about this blog that's why I am updating, and back-reading makes me laugh. God, I still have petty problems. In fact, almost all my problems are still as shallow, but it sucks that, at this age (I am 26 already by the way), people expect me to deal with problems in a more responsible, more mature manner. Anyway, watching The Office. Ciao!

To my mom...

Just watched About Time and I felt so sentimental after watching it... I miss my mom, i wish i could travel back and see her again and spend time with her.

I wish i could see her happy about us. I know a lot of people see us 4 as a big disappointment but i knowthat she’ll be proud of how independent we’ve become.

Dear mama, i hope i can feel you again and talk to you. Not having you left a big hole in me and i feel so unprepared for anything without you. I hope i continually make you feel proud and happy and i hope you can go into my dreams and talk to me. I love you. With all my heart.

Home is where the heart is

A bus ride followed by a hitch.
I’m so happy to be back and to see the people I love.
I told my boyfriend that i have to be in here fo Holy Week and although the plan was for him yo go with me, my stay here is non-negotiable. So, I ended up going here alone without my boyfriend.

Greeting people wth a genuine smile, I want to make sure I get to see, if not all, most of my relatives.

No more hard feelings, just weirdness! I feel perfectly myself right now!

Innocent in most things, weird for the old-fashioned.

I guess, I m back. A little prim, a little improper.

A dream. A nightmare.

Today, I dreamt of us. Believe me when I say that it was a good one. We were happy though scared of the consequences of our action. We were unbreakable. That when things have to be real (in the dream world), we chose to held hands.

(Still in the dream) One night, there was a party and you wanted alone time with me. I wasn't completely agreeing with that notion. I was confused, but I followed even though my mind chose to be with others, and my brain was telling me to stop. The others demanded that from both of us. And in that small space where we met, we agreed to follow the others even though deep inside, we both wanted to hold on.

It was a good dream, believe me. A really good one. I was happy in it.

But when I woke up, reality told me it wasn't. It was a nightmare! A nightmare of good memories that needed to be dumped.

P.S. Happy Birthday to my cousin, Kokoy! I'm happy you're with your family now.

P.S.S I should get a shrink, shouldn't I?

Think of happy thoughts

Was reading my blog in 2007, and I happened to thank Denise for telling me to think of happy thoughts when I'm sad. So now, I'm trying to ignore my conflicted and very unhelpful environment.  Think of happy thoughts. ?

I'm thinking of my mom now. Maybe she's the best memory I have. Too bad, she's just a memory now. Think of happy thoughts.

I remember having merienda when my mom will suddenly on the stereo. Switch it to a n old-school station and just dance. I remember, it was about sjnset, and the it was a bit dark but our has was tinged in orange because of the sunlight, and the orange lit sky.

Those were the days I never even have thought that someday, my mom will be gone. Those were the days when my only idea of death is that you burying your grandparents under the ground. Those were the days when my only problem was waking up so early in the morning.
Those were the days.

Thinking of happy thoughts.

P. S. This is my first time to use my phone in blogging.

Hello 2013!

Hello 2013! My tradition of giving thanks to everyone who made my year has been delayed because of the unexpected malfunctioning of my account. So now, while my nails are being done, I would like to thank the top 18 people who made my 2012 awesome. Thanks to: 1. Kliff Young, my boyfriend, of course (still is) since he is so patient with me and for making me smile whenever i'm hungry, dizzy or sleepy 2. Kokoy, my cousin who accepted me and still hangs out with me despite his busy schedule 3. Kuya Jon, my tito who unexpectedly tolerated my behavior 4. Kurt, my boyfriend's brother whom my boyfriend and i spent un-sober nights with 5. Celynn, my little sister 6. Sid, my nephew who makes me happy every time we see each other 7. Kliff's mom, who took care of me. 8. Ann(i)e, my best friend, who doesn't get tired of my tiring stories 9. Boni, my cousin, who after discovering my mishaps, doesn't care 10. Patrick, my friend, whom I call whenever I'm bored 11. Armand, another friend I call when I can't contact Patrick 12. Tanya, my law school friend, who helped me go through my new school 13. Mich, my law school friend, who I call whenever I need someone who'll be absent with me whenever I don't wanna go to school 14. Dom, my cousin also, because I know that no matter what, he'll always be there 15. Aj, my other cousin, who I know cares for me sooo much 16. Njae, my neice, who I play with whenever I wanna be a child again 17. The universe, my new god, for always listening to me 18. Mr. MJ, for making me happy 2012 was an awesome year. It's the year with the least travel, the most fights and the biggest stress, but with the people mentioned above, it was a year I learned a lot and I became who I am. No pretentions and no insecurities at all. I am happy that I survived the curse (the prediction that I'll die while I'm 22) even if my 23rd birthday hasn't come. I am glad I am able to keep people hard to find. I am happy I am able to seal the bonds of our relationships. So long 2012. Hello 2013... I hope this will be a grand year for me. Chop chop! -roma

currently at coffee bean tomas morato. fucking law school. it gives me headaches. it's attacking me more frequently. so here i am in a coffee shop waiting for my boyfriend who currently is talking with a business partner while i'm at a table separate from his and in front of a law book with tons of papers in my bag. i'm tired. law school makes me easily tired. i miss my cousins.

i was talking to one of my cousins (may) a while ago and it has come to my knowledge that we haven't met since my debut which was held 4 years ago. fuck life. i texted all my cousins from my mother's side and only 2 replied. more fuck to life. it seems that everyone's busy. now that we're all growing older, everyone,except for me, is working in different corporations. what's good in that? they're slaves of wealthy businessmen and if they stay there, despite promotions, they'll still be slaves.

why not make your own business? or why not pursue what you really want? i bet they don't like what they're doing. when i graduate from law school and after i pass the bar, i swear to god, i'll do what i want. i wanna pursue my artistic side, if there is any. maybe enter a dance class or a painting class. i wanna travel. maybe i'll work for some years in a law firm... but just for a few years, i'll save to be able to put up my own firm or make a home. i wanna be a housewife. i wanna be a girl who just travels around the globe and learn from different people, different cultures. i wanna see the world. i wanna learn more. and i think traveling will educate more. then i'll try to serve my country. i'll be a slave to my fellow countrymen. i wanna be their president. i'll apply whatever i learn. or maybe if i don't become a president, i'll volunteer as a social worker. i really wanna mingle with the people in africa, europe and different parts of asia. i wanna see the queen. i wanna learn how they became so influential and respectable.

why am i in law school, you may ask. maybe i wanna pursue this profession. or maybe i wanna make my dad happy and proud of me. maybe i wanna fulfill his frustrations. or maybe i just really wanna learn more.

socrates said that an unexamined life is a life not worth living... so in the course of my reflection, i discovered that these are things i wanted to do. so may all the odds be in my favor so that i may succeed and attain these goals.

i'm blogging on a new year's eve. obviously, i have nothing to do at the moment but to blog. I had a really great 2011. Mostly, I spent my time with Kliff Young and seizing every moment I am with him. I am more in love than ever and it gets better and better each year. If I'm not mistaken it will be our 3rd year as a couple together this coming january-slash-february. and I can't wait to make him happy on his upcoming birthday.

2012 is really scary for me. aside from the "end of the world predictions" i kinda predicted my end this year ten years ago. and i really hope it doesn't happen coz i'm really happy now and i really love my life now and i wanna live longer.

anyway, i'll see about that. I hope this year will be magical and i'll become more independent and trusted since i'm turning 22 already.

love, love love.

approximately 30 minutes from 2012.

i can already hear a lot of fireworks from everywhere

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

2011 was amazing. Not a single dull moment.

Thanks to Kliff Young.

I love him. I love 2011

Hi blog! it's me again, after a long time and while spending the best time of my life. I'm not doing anything productive lately, coz I quit law school (temporarily) since I didn't enjoy my first semester in San Beda due to the fact that I am always alone. I spent the best sembreak I've ever spent since i started schooling and at the end of it all, (the adventures, the fun and the trip) i got sick.

My first semester in San Beda College ended last Oct. 17, the next day Kliff and I flew to Bacolod to visit a friend, Eugene.

Here was my hectic schedule:
Oct. 18-21 : Bacolod
Oct. 22-24 : Bangkok,Thailand
Oct. 24-25 : Phnom Penh, Cambodia
Oct. 26-28 : Siam Reap and Phnom Penh, Cambodia
Oct. 28-30 : Bangkok, Thailand
Oct. 30- Nov. 1 : Dolores, Quezon , Philippines
Nov. 1-4 : Manila, Philippines
Nov. 5-9 : Dolores, Quezon, Philippines
and after that, I stayed again here in Manila but most of the time with my boyfriend-slash-future-husband

I wish I could tell you everything I did in Bacolod and my first trip abroad. I wish I could share every detail and how I ended up sick. For some reasons, I don't feel like writing it. Maybe I'm just lazy to do anything because I've been really lazy ever since I got free from doing the normal things to do. For the first time in my life, i am the only one deciding for myself, and since it's liberating, I really am enjoying it. I posted all my pictures I took when I went to the abovementioned places in my facebook account, and since I'm too lazy to do anything, I hope those pictures tell you the stories.

But then again, some experiences have not been captured in a photo so let me share one unforgettable experience in Bangkok. Kliff's aunt, brother and him had a fight with the owner of a trip club in Bangkok where girls put the pen in their vaginas, or pull a 5-ft. string with needles out of their genital while entertaining us. I thought we'll end up in the Police station and be detained in a foreign jail on my first trip abroad. But it ended well (not really), but at least we didn't pay the huge amount of money they were charging us.

I...
still believe in santa
can't save money
hate walking alone
am not allowed to drink coffee
love cookies and cream
stop crying once offered ice cream
love popcorn
walk like a man
once hated the color green
sing completely out of tune
have my own world
love pizza
don't want to be a saint
bite my nails when i'm nervous
can be friends with anyone
talk to strangers
can travel alone
was never good in any sciences
talk to myself
don't have my own secrets
have different kinds of laughters
want to be a supermodel
sing baa baa black sheep
want to have my own concert someday
seek for adventure
am amazingly patient
want to fly my own airplane
can play 5 different kinds of instruments
smile in front of the mirror every morning
am so lucky
got hit by a motorcycle on a christmas day
cry hysterically
just laugh anytime i want to
think im crazy


----
right now... im happy with my life. happy without any reason. happy without anything to be happy of. i am not happy because i am already contented with what i have... i don't think i'll ever reach contentment, but i'm happy with what i have, who i have and what i am doing. so if i die now... i'd be dying happy.

Only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart. Only love can make you cry & only love knows why. When you decide to love, allow it to grow. When you promise to love, refuse to let it die. - I got this from my inbox in my friendster account, i don't know where the sender got it from.

my sister and i were cleaning the cabinets in her room a while ago, and i was amazed how clear my memories were when i saw some clothes and stuff i used when i was still a kid.

i saw my piano recital dress and my sisters'. i saw the pillows i collected and some toys. i saw my childhood pictures which are funny and disgusting. i saw pictures ive never seen before and was unaware to have been taken. and best of all i saw my mom's certificates and clothes.

hi mama!!! it's almost mothers' day, i hope you're happy wherever you are. i love you!
by the way, here is the most recent picture of me and my sisters + partners + kids

2 days ago, i arrived in manila from a vacation in boracay and as soon as i landed here, problems were already thrown at me.

now, people around me are also having problems and suddenly, i felt the need to be rich. almost always, i feel that dilemmas arise because of the small amount of income. my family, for example, is depending on just one parent who already has his own family and so his income should be split into two yet sometimes i feel that the other family is getting a bigger share of the pie. they already got my dad away from us, and they're still getting whatever should be equally allotted for us.

and so now, i feel the urge to be rich. i wanna win the lotto, and i hope god allows me to win one big jackpot prize. i want to help my dad by making him stop working. the other family already has a source of income (thanks to the business my dad put up) and by winning the lotto, i'll pay for my sister's huge tuition fee.

i want to feel financially stable and not anymore depend on my dad, and hopefully, i could put up a business and help my nephews and neice as well. i wanted to help other people too who can't afford to be happy because they're having financial problems too. like my neighbor, whose age is the same as my younger sister's ,who has to work in a fast food restaurant just so she can pay for her tuition fee. i can't believe it at first because her parents just bought a new car, yet she is forced to study in a school without much reputation even if she passed UST (one of the best in this country). i wanna help people, so god, please help me. i wanna pay for my own tuition fee and my sister's and some other people if i win that big money.

sigh. i feel bad that i feel so impoverished even if we can afford to buy things. my dad's tired, he has to have a long vacation. i wanna make him happy and my family happy. :(

so help me god

dear life, you kinda suck now. first my sisters are being a bitch. all of them. sometimes, i just wanna give up being their sisters... i can live without them. all of them suck. they need something from me and all of them have to be sooooo demanding.

can't i have my life? my life needs to be for them all the time. what happened to living for myself?

i got drunk and cried the whole night 2 nights ago. and i woke up the next day thinking i was already dead.

dear life, you are so demanding and challenging.

i was able to regain my energy when i saw kliff young and i knew that my life is in manila. a while ago, i felt like blogging. pero haha. okay biglang kausap ko na pinsan ko. so tinamad na ko.

but ya. after quite a long conversation with a relative, i realized... it's time to say goodbye to my past.

so bye bye now! will never see you again