Bittersweet

2017 hasn't ended but 8 months have already passed, and maybe it's safe to conclude that this year is a bittersweet period of my life while--as I've (I think) expressed before--2016 was just depressing. But these past months (and maybe a year) have made me introspective.

First, the title. While I will always be grateful for passing the bar exam, it has been very hard for me to pursue this career. "What now?" was the first question I asked myself a day after the results came out, then I had to apply to "where?". "Do I pursue a career in law firms? In the government? Or pursue something else?" But then again, I found out that it never really was my choice. I've been applying in different firms/companies/institutions and for some reason they made me doubt myself even more coz 3 months have passed and I'm still jobless. And when someone whom you depend on to comfort you say "maybe you have a problem", that's when you just start saying "fuck my life."

Second, friendship. I can't help but think I'm alone. I am forever grateful for the people who are interested to hear what comes out of my mouth and for those who chose to stay to hear the end of the story, but then there isn't really a lot of people to thank for. I'm thankful for a cousin whom I hated before but surprisingly is a good adviser. I'm thankful for a cousin who never judges. I'm thankful for a fairly new friend who is much younger than me but he listens and he tries to make me feel there's something good about myself. And I'm thankful for Kliff because he's a combination of the three people previously mentioned. But aside from them, no one really asks how I am doing. Yes, people have their own lives and their own shit, but it would be nice to have someone whom I can talk to about ANYTHING and not be awkward about it or be ashamed of it or be cautious that I'm becoming an irritating storyteller because I try my best to be always available to everyone but, most of the times, taken advantage of. Not by the abovementioned people, of course. This period of my life made crave for a best friend aside from my boyfriend because you know, I can't rant to my boyfriend about my problems with him. I used to have a best friend, but she just vanished from my life. She appears when she wants to and because of that, it just became awkward with her.

Last, my family. It sucks to not have my mom. Life has been shitty without her. My sisters seem to always ask for help from me but never really offered to help. I feel that no one really cares how I am doing and they just assume that I'm always doing well. I don't really get support from any of my immediate family, but they always ask help from me. It's exhausting, really. My relatives give me advice but then I can only tell them my problems selectively.

With all these, I can't help but doubt myself. What am I doing wrong? Why do I feel so used? And why do I feel so alone?

Bum Life

I've been a bum since November 28, 2016. My dad literally cut off financial support right after I took my last bar examination, and it has been a struggle trying to get by each day. But surprisingly, I got by and I've been getting by since that day.

The bar exams took a toll on me. I got super depressed right after, and I'm still trying to figure out what's causing this depression. Well, to be honest, I have an idea on what's behind all these but I am not one to express it online. At least, I'm mature enough now not to let the world know what's been pissing me off (they're all now in my diary).

I've had too many realizations recently and I wonder if those are going to be helpful in the future. But to anyone reading this,  I hope the following will be helpful:

1. You are going to be judged by the people who don't know you coz those who know you will never do that. So when this happens, try not to mind them. (I know it's hard, but they're not the ones who will be there for you at your worst so they're clearly unimportant and so are their opinions)

2. Remember the one who stayed with you when no one else did. Friendship is magical and that friend is clearly hard to find so appreciate them and let them know in small ways how grateful you are.

3. When you have a partner who always encourages you no matter how ridiculous your dreams are, do not let go of him. (Doing that is just plain stupid!)

There are more realizations when I return. But for now, as stated in Trainspotting: Choose Life!