18 People To Thank For This 2018

It's almost 2019, and as a yearly tradition, I will be thanking the 18 people who have made me smile this 2018. (I wasn't able to do this for last year, but I know I wrote it in one of my journals). First, let me tell you about how awesome this year has been for me.
I started this year reading a feng shui "prediction" (horoscope? - I don't know how it's called) of how my 2018 will turn out well. As we all 2018 is the year of the dog, and I was born on the year of the horse. I only looked at one site that seemed legit, and, if I remember it right, it said that I have to plant my seeds during the first semester of 2018 so that I can harvest its fruits on the second semester. I had it in my mind the whole time so I "planted my seeds"  on the first half (I applied for the 45th Ship for Southeast Asian and Japanese Youth Program (SSEAYP), I also applied for Masters in Urban and Regional Planning, and I declined a trip to Papua New Guinea in hopes that I'll be sent to a better country). The second semester arrived and I discovered I passed the entrance examinations for the Masters degree I applied for, then I was sent to LA for work, and then the most awesome thing happened. While I was in the Hollywood Walk of Fame, I got a message from my co-worker that the National Youth Commission is trying to contact me. [Brief Background: When I had my exam and my interview for SSEAYP, I was informed that the pre-departure training will be from June 25 - July 3. My US trip was from June 23 to July 6]. So I told my co-worker that maybe they will just inform me that my application was rejected, but my co-worker told me that I should contact them so I did. And yeah, while I was walking in the Hollywood Walk of Fame, I found out that I got accepted. [FYI: I honestly do not know anything about SSEAYP until I experienced it last October. I had no fucking clue]. So yes, after my US trip, I went straight to the pre-departure training which lasted for 10 days, went back to work, then from September 22 - October 23, I was with the Philippine Participating Youth (PPYs) or the Philippine Contingent for the pre-departure activities. Then from October 23 - December 15, I was experiencing SSEAYP and was learning what it really is.
2018 WAS AWESOME. No doubt about that! Possibly the best year of my 28 years on Earth. But then, while there are good news, there was also one bad one.
On 29 August 2018, after almost 10 years of being in a relationship, I told Kliff that I am breaking up with him. It was a tough situation, and trust me, maybe, at that time I didn't know what I was saying. But to be honest, I have been very emotional in the months before August. I have been depressed since I finished the Bar exams. I have been ridiculously not happy. And I felt that Kliff and I have to call it quits because we're not (or at least, I am not) anymore growing as a person. I was in stationary mode and  I had to get away from everyone because I feel that my negativity will just affect everyone, and going on a cruise ship was the best time for me to let go. After all, no one can contact me while I am on the ship (or so I thought). I was not heartbroken at that time. I was busy during the pre-departure activities. I was also busy during the SSEAYP proper so the sadness hasn't really sunk in. It only did when, I tried calling Kliff and every time I do, I felt like he did not want to talk to me. It only hit me when during the Philippine port of call, he asked if we don't communicate. I got hurt when I heard he was dating someone already. It was really sad. But yeah, I asked for this right? You can say that, but then again, do I not have the right to feel bad about it? That was the only time it hit me. I cried the whole time and for some time, while on board the ship, every time I have a free time, I drink to drown my sorrow. I just felt so bad breaking up with him. (Please when you read this, take note that these are my feelings, and I have not accounted for Kliff's). I wasn't suicidal, for sure, but I knew that there's no point coming back to the Philippines. My purpose in coming back is just to finish my bond. While all these are happening, that's when I got close to Oliver.
He's an Australian/Polish guy I met on Tinder. [Brief Background: Kliff and I allowed each other to go on Tinder, NOT to date nor to meet any people (except for that one time I was in LA, and I met up with someone with Kliff's permission to do something I really wanna do there), but to have someone else-- a stranger, perhaps--to talk to and to listen to us. We trusted each other so much, we don't really mind one another talking to someone else.] We have been chatting since May, if I'm not mistaken. The communication was on and off. We didn't really care about each other although he had said he likes me and we had a deal to only talk when either one of us or both are not sober. He knew I was in a relationship, and he respected it. Not once did he encourage me to break up with Kliff. We really just talked as friends.
Fast forward to today, Kliff told me he's happy now (I hope he really is). I am happy now as well. If you ask me if I regret breaking up with Kliff, I would say I do miss him, but I do not regret it. I feel that we need this for our own happiness, for our personal growth, for our search for our individuality.

So here are the 18 people I want to thank for this 2018:
1. Dwayne - amazing friend! Not once did he give up on me.
2. Cush
3. Benedict
4. Germain - my cousin
5. Neil
6. Those who helped Kliff in his campaign for lord chancellor (I am truly grateful)
7. Aunty - Kliff's mom
8. Nick - my date in California (coz he gave me good chips)
9. Ethan - my SSEAYP bestfriend
10. Butt - my buddy
11. May - my cabinmate
12. Most (not all) PPYs
13. NYC
14. MAO (especially my boss and my core group, they know who they are)
15. Ate Ley - another cousin
16. SSEAYP Admin
17. Oliver - I am excited to know what's in store for us.
and
18. Kliff - I am not who I am today if it weren't for you. You will always have a special place in my heart no matter what happens. The past 10 years of my life is comprised mostly of good times because you were an amazing boyfriend. You were very understanding.  You were very patient. And I'm sorry if I broke your heart. I am sorry if I was the first one to let go (you and I know it was gonna be me). But really thank you. I hope you find your perfect match. If your perfect match would be me, then I'll gladly say yes again to you. But for now, I hope we both find who we really are and who will comprise our happiness. I loved you with all my heart. And as promised, I will love you always and forever (maybe not as a partner, but as a friend).

Bittersweet

2017 hasn't ended but 8 months have already passed, and maybe it's safe to conclude that this year is a bittersweet period of my life while--as I've (I think) expressed before--2016 was just depressing. But these past months (and maybe a year) have made me introspective.

First, the title. While I will always be grateful for passing the bar exam, it has been very hard for me to pursue this career. "What now?" was the first question I asked myself a day after the results came out, then I had to apply to "where?". "Do I pursue a career in law firms? In the government? Or pursue something else?" But then again, I found out that it never really was my choice. I've been applying in different firms/companies/institutions and for some reason they made me doubt myself even more coz 3 months have passed and I'm still jobless. And when someone whom you depend on to comfort you say "maybe you have a problem", that's when you just start saying "fuck my life."

Second, friendship. I can't help but think I'm alone. I am forever grateful for the people who are interested to hear what comes out of my mouth and for those who chose to stay to hear the end of the story, but then there isn't really a lot of people to thank for. I'm thankful for a cousin whom I hated before but surprisingly is a good adviser. I'm thankful for a cousin who never judges. I'm thankful for a fairly new friend who is much younger than me but he listens and he tries to make me feel there's something good about myself. And I'm thankful for Kliff because he's a combination of the three people previously mentioned. But aside from them, no one really asks how I am doing. Yes, people have their own lives and their own shit, but it would be nice to have someone whom I can talk to about ANYTHING and not be awkward about it or be ashamed of it or be cautious that I'm becoming an irritating storyteller because I try my best to be always available to everyone but, most of the times, taken advantage of. Not by the abovementioned people, of course. This period of my life made crave for a best friend aside from my boyfriend because you know, I can't rant to my boyfriend about my problems with him. I used to have a best friend, but she just vanished from my life. She appears when she wants to and because of that, it just became awkward with her.

Last, my family. It sucks to not have my mom. Life has been shitty without her. My sisters seem to always ask for help from me but never really offered to help. I feel that no one really cares how I am doing and they just assume that I'm always doing well. I don't really get support from any of my immediate family, but they always ask help from me. It's exhausting, really. My relatives give me advice but then I can only tell them my problems selectively.

With all these, I can't help but doubt myself. What am I doing wrong? Why do I feel so used? And why do I feel so alone?